Changes

         A few months ago something terrible happened in my life, something I will not discuss. In the turn of events that followed from this experience, I realized that for a long time I hadn’t been true to myself. I wasn't happy with the way I was living life and I knew I had some really tough decisions to make. Somewhere in all of this confusion, I had the weirdest thought to take a vacation to Ireland. It was just one of those random thoughts that came to me in the middle of the night. I decided that I was going to take this trip, and that August would be the perfect time since I was graduating college. The summer went on, and I was constantly struggling between my feelings- what is best for my kids and do I really feel this way?

     When vacation time rolled around, I was excited and nervous. I was getting to spend 9 days with two great friends in Ireland, sightseeing and exploring a new place! I knew I would miss my kids, but I needed a break from life. I felt emotionally exhausted from the constant struggles that I was feeling. When I went on vacation, I was pretty sure of what would happen when I returned home, and I was hoping that by stepping away from my life, the answers would become clearer. I have no words to describe Ireland, but it is a place I feel everyone should visit. The people are friendly, and Ireland is well, simply put, breathtaking! Thanks to my friends, I laughed like I hadn’t in months, I was able to relax, and remember what I loved about life! Overall the trip was amazing!

     One thing I learned from this trip is that sometimes unexplained things happen at the most obstinate times.  One moment you’re debating about how you feel with your current life, you have made a decision, and then something else happens to add to the complication. I have no words to describe why things happen but I now believe when they do it’s for a special reason.

     Since returning home, I have separated from my spouse. This decision was tough because of my kids, but I know I am doing what is best. This decision wasn’t made overnight, it was made after six months of serious debating. I cannot say life is easy now, it’s definitely complicated, and amazingly my kids are doing great! I have never been so proud of my boys; sometimes they are wiser beyond their years. I am looking forward to this next year and all of the unexplained changes!

 “Nothing worthwhile is ever without complications.” ― Nora Roberts

     Last time I wrote about things I was thankful for.  That seems like an eternity ago. A few weeks ago I went to visit my biological father. In my 31 years this was my 3^rd visit with him. He was at a nursing home, and that day I spent more time with him than I had my whole life. That day I also became his medical DPOA and with his wishes we agreed not to place a feeding tube in him.  Over the last few weeks, I have visited with his doctor, got his diet changed, and placed him on Hospice care. I visited with him on the phone just last week, and he was trying to say that he was sorry, and something that sounded like he loved all of us kids. Sunday November 18, 2012 was my son’s 6^th birthday and the day my dad passed away. Someone asked me how I could be upset over someone I barely knew. My answer is this- I feel that I lost a part of me that I never got to know. He was there when I was born and I have a few pictures with him at the creek when I was a baby. It’s hard to explain this feeling but out of all of this I feel that all things happen for a reason and that when my cousin called it was a hint from someone greater than any of us knows.

     Not all is bad this week as tomorrow I finally get to meet two brothers I have never seen. I am excited, nervous, and scared. Crazy ugh?? I hope everyone takes time to remember the simple things and be thankful. 

Things I am thankful for....

     My other blog is dedicated to my youngest son, Conner. I really wanted a place to express my opinions to the few people who read this.
     Everywhere I look on Facebook people are posting things they are thankful for. I love the idea that everyone is remembering what they are thankful for but my thought is why not remember this all year long?
A list of things I am thankful for
1. Waking up each day
2. My kids- they drive me completely insane sometimes but I love them
3. The ability to laugh, walk, talk, and play everyday
4. My family and friends
5. Our soldiers- future and past
6. My house
8. My Job
9. Paying my bills- it means I have a job
8. A good book, movie, or conversation
9. The beauty of nature
10. The days that pass when Conner continues to be seizure free

     There are so many more things but those are just a few that come to mind as I sit here and type. The holidays are such a busy time of year between  shopping and traveling. Take a moment and make a list of things you are truly thankful for. Place this list somewhere you look often and be thankful each day of the year.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace, and gratitude.-Denis Waitley